Wednesday, October 30, 2013

I Hate Leasing :)

I hate leasing... Yeah, I know, I already mentioned that I hate leasing on the title of this blog post. But, honestly, I really really do. In fact, I do not believe I can actually say it enough how much I really hate leasing. LEASING SUCKS! Don't do it! Don't ever, ever do it! When you walk into a dealership, if they ask you if you are interested in a lease, start screaming and run away. Run far, far away and fast. Otherwise you will find yourself in a prison sentence. You will be locked down to the cement ground, there will be chains and locks holding down your legs, your arms, and even one around your neck. You might want to also contact the authorities anytime you are suggested the option to lease.

Maybe I should think up some analogy to better explain my feelings upon leasing. I would venture into the land of using concentration camps, however, I am not particularly sure I am ready to make funny commentary on the expense of such a despicable historical display of the human condition: the inability to care about anyone beyond the lids of their eyes. Okay, so I figured it out. Leasing for me is... Oh, never mind, this fucking sucks. I suck at analogies. But leasing a car is even worse than my analogy constructing ability. Seriously, it is.

Here is my gripe: when leasing, you are stuck in a vehicle. There is no way out for the entire term of the agreement. Well, let me rephrase that: those of us who are the kind who abide by the law. In other words those of us fools; yea, we are the ones stuck in a particular vehicle until that very last minute for the stupid lease to finally end. Leasing a vehicle is more painful than being completely starved on Thanksgiving morning as you realize that you are the turkey... Ahhh, sheesh, see that, I am terrible at this entire analogy thing. I mean, Thanksgiving morning, you are a turkey? What in the world was I getting at? Okay, anyways, back to my main point:

I hate leases.

Leasing a car invents a regretful feeling each and every moment of every day before the lease expires. As more days go by, the more slowly the days go. Each day you are reminded of this mistake, this lease, each time you climb inside this dreadful vehicle that you've had for just way too long.

However, life isn't always so dreadful as a leaser. Sometimes a leaser does receive a slight glimpse of hope. No, this slight hope isn't the same as that hope that Obama's campaign slogan brought to us all. Nor is it the hope that something has fallen from the sky smashing the car into smithereens (when no one is around the impact zone, of course). This hope I speak of also has nothing to do with wishing you lived on a street where some random nut job is running around in his panties as he is dousing gasoline on random cars then igniting (not the panties) but the cars into flames. Of course either of the latter would consist of a  double hope in that he randomly chose to douse and ignite your leased car. Surprise, people are fucking crazy... And I'm not excluding myself from that statement. 

Back to this hope thing; no, no, and no, none of those hopes are realistic in this Hitler land of leasing. This glimpse of hope I am referring to is: The Letter! What letter you wonder? Good, this wonderment is a healthy thing. It means that you haven't been fooled into thinking that leasing a car was a good idea.

This letter I speak of is a common automated letter that someone who leases a vehicle receives as the end of a lease approaches. This letter comes from that dealership, the one that you yourself are guilty of finding as you retardedly locked your soul into a slow and painful count down of a lease term that feels like it will never end. Okay, long sentence there, sorry, so back to this letter, the letter,  (T͟Hē) LETTER! Get it?

This letter explains that you, the customer, the asshole who leased the car, you can come into the dealer (bring the letter), and because this vehicle you are leased is such an important gemstone to the used car market, you (the leaser) "are in a good situation to exit early from your current lease to either lease or purchase a new car."

Hooray, ding, ding, ding, ding...

I finally got the letter!

No lie, I was waiting, and waiting, and waiting.

Three times a day I would run out to my mailbox. I would peak my head and poke my hand around for this wonderful letter. I would check the mailbox even after it was already delivered for the day.

This letter, it is my letter to freedom. This is the letter that finally allows me to unlock my soul from the dust, the smell, the boogers, and the awful dreadful memories of completely retarded ex-lovers. Finally... FREEDOM!

Not. Nope, no way. No such luck. Nothing to see here, keep on walking.

"The letter" is absolute bullshit. No, not fictional bullshit as if I have just made it up to add a post to my blog. No, I got the letter. It is sitting right next to me staring at me calling me stupid.

Here's what happened: This letter arrived on Saturday, and I got to my dealership the following Tuesday. After they appraised this wonderful vehicle of mine, they told me the wonderful news that the promotion this letter is referring to had expired the day before I arrived, on Monday. Yeah. And, this same promotion "might" become available again in February. Gotta love the honesty.

So folks, the saga continues. My current lease does not end until the end of May. Yep, I chose thirty-nine months-- thirty-nine months... Thirty-nine-months :(... So, I shall now hold my breath until February. And maybe some dealership will have a heart and will save me from the wrath of my

you get it... i don't need to end this in any formal way

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